How To Overcome Loneliness and A Fear Of Being Single!



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In my younger days I considered my default state to be that of being in a relationship. When I was single it was merely the gap between partners, a combination of waiting and seeking, I couldn’t relax and I couldn’t feel comfortable when I was not with someone. When I was single it was like I’d fallen off a boat and had sunken underwater, I’d hold my breath and frantically attempt to swim toward the surface where I could breathe again and everything would once more be OK in my life. This way of living caused three major problems:

  1. The quality of my life as a single person was compromised. I could not fully enjoy the benefits of being single because always in the back of my mind was a nagging sense of inferiority, this irrational dread that I’d somehow be alone forever. And that if I was alone forever that it would somehow be unbearable. Single status has many perks. Sure you don’t get to enjoy the advantages of having a partner, but you do get to live free of the responsibilities. However I could not enjoy the freedom because I saw singleness as an inferior state, one to be gotten out of ASAP!
  2. My standards were lowered. I don’t mean to say that I’m special and that I deserve a certain standard of person. I simply mean that due to my desperation to be with someone I would become involved with people who weren’t right for me just as a means to get into a relationship. I would overlook clear signs of potential difficulties and conflicts, I would ignore my intuition in favor of maintaining the relationship simply because I felt that I needed to be in one in order to be worthy.
  3. I couldn’t full enjoy the relationship. When you are in constant fear of the relationship ending, when the status of being in a relationship is more important that the quality of the relationship itself, you are asking for trouble. I used to fret and worry about every single word or text or email I’d say or send to my girlfriend at the time. I’d obsessively reread texts and emails making sure I hadn’t said something to make her want to leave me. And I’d torment myself with worry should I not hear from her for a minute longer that I would expect to. Fear of the relationship ending was more important than the quality of the time we had together.

image_being_single

As you can see this is a horrible predicament to find yourself in. However everything changed in early 2012 for me, I no longer suffer like this in the slightest! Over a year ago now, when a multiple year, long term relationship of mine ended I decided “No More”. This was my chance to learn and make the changes necessary to no longer be a victim of my own need for relationships. I said “Rohan, no relationships for 6 months at least, and even then no relationships until you can honestly live happily as a single man”. This was my challenge. The 6 month rule was in place in order that I could heal properly and not jump into anything too quickly and make the same mistakes as before. The second rule was trickier, “No relationships until you can honestly live happily as a single man”. And so I began to heal and research and meditate on the subject.

7951692416_77189a3ce6I read material by the likes of Bettie Dodson, Laci Green, Wilhelm ReichDossie Easton, Janet Hardy and trawled the forums and blogs of the web for all the info I could find. I immersed myself in Sex Positivism, and the study of self love and self sexuality. I learned that not only is being single OK, it’s actually a viable lifestyle choice, just as valuable as choosing to marry, or choosing to regularly date a number of people. This was a revelation to silly old me, I knew vaguely that some people chose to remain single, but to study it in detail was a real eye opener. I thought to myself “Well if some people can actively choose to remain single, and still remain actively self sexual and happy, it can’t necessarily be a bad thing”. It dawned on me that a relationship is not “Better” than being single, that this concept is utterly ridiculous. They are totally different things, both with their own pros and cons, and the fact is that a bad, dangerous or unhealthy relationship is always worse that being single!

The Curse was Lifted!

It felt as though a curse had been lifted, I was no longer terrified of being single. And you know what! It solved all three of the problems listed above. I was now able to fully enjoy the perks and benefits of singledom, knowing that I will most likely be in a relationship in the future as that’s what people tend to do, they get together. But that even if by some unlikely series of events I find myself remaining single for the rest of my days, I can still live a rich, enjoyable, loving, sexual, and meaningful life. Secondly my standards rose dramatically! Opportunities I would have jumped at in the past I now turn down if I don’t feel good about it. I listen to my intuition and if my body tells me this person is a little too dramatic, or that we might have serious conflicts in the future I stop right there. Or I enter a period of probation in order to get to know the person better before jumping right in. Finally when I do engage in a relationship I enjoy it so much more. I no longer fear being single and so I trust that if things should end between us it’s not the end of the world. Because I do not fear being single I stand up for myself and ask that my boundaries be respected, no one can emotionally blackmail you when they know that you do not fear being alone.

I-like-being-singleThis has been my experience, and I just know that there are others out there who are dealing with this kind of thing. Let me just say that you can overcome a morbid fear of being single, and that when you do, it improves all aspects of your life. I’ll leave you with six tips to get you started on your journey to living without fear of being single :)

  1. Educate yourself! The mainstream media is filled with really unhealthy messages regarding relationships, for example that you need another person to make you “whole”, these romantic notions work great in books and movies but are highly destructive if taken literally. You are always a whole and indivisible being, capable of immense self love, self acceptance and self sexuality. Look up some of the authors I mentioned above, learn about self love and self sexuality.
  2. People choose to be single! This is one of the most powerful concepts that helped me, the fact that many people actively choose to be single. And I’m not talking about nuns or priests or monks who live a life of asceticism and chastity (which is fine if that’s their thing), but normal, healthy, sexual beings who simply enjoy their own sexuality and love, as opposed to sharing their life with another in the tradition sense. If people can do it on purpose it can’t necessarily be bad, or evil, or worse to be single.
  3. Be self disciplined! Instead of remaining the victim of your own fear of being single, take control! Tell yourself that you will actively remain single for a set amount of time. 3 months, 6, months, even a year! One of the co-authors of a very good book called The Ethical Slut (highly recommended for anyone dealing with a fear of being single) chose to remain single for a full 5 years after coming out of an abusive relationship! I used to tell myself “What is a measly 6 months in the grand scheme of things, when my goal is to gain long term and permanent improvements to my relationships?”
  4. m225539942Love and accept yourself fully! Once you’ve studied up all you can on the subject, begin to put into practice all that you’ve learned. Enjoy your masturbation, try things out, experiment, see how much fun you can have with yourself. Masturbation for so long has been tainted with shame, in the past by religious institutions and in the modern age by the concept that you only masturbate if you can’t get any “real” sex. Masturbation IS real sex, and it’s some of the best sex you are ever going to have regardless of whether or not you are single. Meditate on unconditional self love, find or create affirmations on absolute self acceptance and begin to heal yourself from all the bad advice and bad psychology that’s out there regarding this subject!
  5. Do what you want! In the end your relationship status is a personal choice, there is no right or wrong, no good or bad. Instead of being the victim of cultural assumptions and societal norms, take the time to find out how you really would like to engage with other people. What kind of status would you choose if there was no pressure, no assumptions? Take your time and find what’s best for you. If you think something is a good idea then there have already been many others who think the same, and have most likely blazed a trail for you to follow. The way you engage in relationships, or don’t is not what’s important, the important thing is doing in consciously, and doing what’s right for YOU!
  6. It’s ALWAYS better to be single than to be in a bad relationship! There’s not much more to say here. Keeping a failing, abusive or unhealthy relationship alive simply out of a fear of being alone is a really bad idea. It takes a lot of courage to take that leap into being single, but it’s always, 100% of the time worth it when the relationship is causing more harm than good.

I wish you luck. It’s no fun having a fear of being single, it effects all aspects of your life and can be very depressing as I know from personal experience. The great news is that you do not have to live like that. I am living proof of that fact. I hope my experience and advice can help you on your journey :)

Good luck! And thanks for reading ;)

Rohan.

7 Things CoverFor much more on how to achieve genuine, sustainable happiness and fulfilment you can preview or purchase my 2012 book “The 7 Things That Made Me Genuinely & Irreversibly Happy” on Amazon.com by CLICKING HERE! 

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Rohan Healy is the author of “Greeks to Geeks: Practical Stoicism in the 21st Century” and “The 7 Things That Made Me Genuinely & Irreversibly Happy: And How They Can Do The Same For You”

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63 thoughts on “How To Overcome Loneliness and A Fear Of Being Single!

  1. I personally believe that sometimes being single is better than rushing way too soon in a new relationship or just fucking marathon. It is like “upgrading” yourself for the new person so you can suggest them a better and refreshed version of who you are and get the same in return in perhaps so you can start in a clean way with that someone. And plus, when being single, nobody will nag you for being late, nor will get crazy for not calling them every 5 minutes, explaining exactly where and who you are with (I have seen cases like those-not a beautiful view :( )

    • Thanks for the comment :) Yup, there are definitely some advantages to being single hehe! And that’s an interesting idea, being a refreshed and happy version of yourself for the new person. I never thought of that, it’s kind of cool, I like it :)

      Rohan.

  2. This is all very true. I’m in a long-term relationship now, but in the past I was perfectly happy to be single for years at a time, because as you say it’s better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn’t suit you. Much, much better. I wasn’t even looking for a boyfriend when I found mine, in fact, but we couldn’t get out of each other’s way, so at that point I knew it was worth considering.

    I’ve always felt that no one should be in a relationship unless they could be genuinely happy on their own first. That way the person they’re with is an addition to their life, not a requirement for it. And that’s a much healthier starting point for any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Great insights, Rohan, glad to hear it! :-)

    • It’s always the best way, when you’re not looking and someone cool just drops into your lap. Like with many things in life, as soon as you “give up” and honestly no longer care whether you are with someone or not, so often a person will appear in your life.

      Ironically the vibe of confidence in oneself attracts others! As soon as you stop needing a relationship, that’s when everyone will want a piece of you haha!

      And the old rule applies, if you want a great, loving relationship with someone else, you gotta start with yourself :)

      Thanks for the lovely comment Jen :)

      Rohan.

      • A thought provoking article and agree with this comment from you most of all. Definitely be open but not looking. I have an ex-boss who made it a career looking for a man; but as soon as she gave up 20 years later, she met her match. Her daughter introduced them and, perhaps, it’s really true that the best things come last. One thing good that came from her 20-year career is that she has some very, very hilarious stories to share about blind dates and other match-making efforts. I’ve encouraged her to write a book about it, but assume the whole scenario wore her out too much to make her pen flow. I do believe she has after all this time and when she least expected, has found someone who added to her happiness and not detracted from it….she didn’t settle!!! MJ and John have just recently been married 3 years.

      • Yup, it always seems to be the way, just when you decide to give up, that’s when something comes along. I think the reason for this is the vibe you are putting out. Fear and desperation repel happy, healthy people like nothing else, and the types of people they attract are those who would seek to manipulate or take advantage of that desperation.

        But once you no longer feel that you need a relationship, your vibe and your consciousness shifts, and you emit the feeling of confidence and security, now this is supremely attractive to the right people :)

        Sounds like she could write a very funny book haha, maybe when enough time has passed she will have the energy to give it a go :)

        Thanks for the cool comment, take care!

        Rohan.

  3. Totally agree with everything you’re saying. I’ve been single since April last year and looking back I probably should have ended the relationship long before that, I know that now. But, I was so immersed in the feeling of ‘we belong together’, because that’s what it felt like in the beginning, that I didn’t want to see that the relationship was becoming seriously unhealthy due to his extreme jealousy. Even though I’m the most loyal and monogamous person on the planet.

    I had to man the F up and get the courage to say ‘you know what? This is not okay and I’m seriously worried about my emotional health. Sayonara’. Because in the end, being alone is better than being in an abusive relationship, like you said yourself.

    And besides, I AM awesome and someday some guy will recognize my awesomeness and we’ll be awesome together. If that’s tomorrow that’s fine but if it’s in two years, that’s cool too.

    Great post, Rohan, :D you got me to spill my guts :P

    • Thanks for sharing your story Emma :) Exactly, it’s horrible when you get to the point where you “should” be together even though the daily reality doesn’t reflect that. I figure that if It’s truly “meant to be” then leaving won’t matter, if you are destined to be together then it will happen no matter what.

      And yes, the first months, or years can be a beautiful thing, but sometimes we hang on too long trying to get it back when it’s gone for good. Jealousy is the worst, if someone can’t trust your word then there is a big problem with the relationship. Being overly jealous is not caring or loving, it’s really just saying “I don’t trust you/I don’t believe you”.

      It can be scary to end things, terrifying! Especially when the person says cruel things like “You won’t find someone who’ll love you more than me”. In the end sometimes we have to take that scary leap of faith. But it’s always worth it to get out of an unfulfilling or especially a dangerous relationship.

      I hope your healing is continuing to go well and that things are working out better for you now :)

      Rohan.

  4. Excellent article Rohan. Absolutely agree with everything here. Funny thing with me was I spent 4 years happily single and not even looking. Then last year I met someone – who I knew wasn’t right – and some little part of my old relationship programming kicked in, something I thought I’d long since ditched and I found myself feeling kind of needy, vulnerable and ended up getting pretty hurt. I realised there is still some old programming relating to lack of wholeness in myself and lack of self love. I am working on clearing that out before I even contemplate the idea of a relationship again :P

    • Heya Rory, thanks for comment :) Yeah, it really wasn’t until I did the body psychology stuff, and the Focusing (Eugene Gendlin) in particular that I was able to heal my past relationship hurts and fears and break out of those same old patterns.

      I highly recommend looking into the Focusing, there’s loads of free online resources on what it is and how to do it, after that it’s just a matter of sticking with it until you get those positive energy shifts, and the old issues melt away.

      All the philosophy and meditation is great, but it’s that much more effective when we resolve out body energy issues, and the Focusing is a really great tool for doing just that :)

      Take care, all the best!

      Rohan.

      • Thanks Rohan! Yeah I’ve done the focusing technique a few times since reading it in your book. It ties in with a lot of similar things I’ve done. Think I need to stick with it and incorporate it into my day on a regular basis. Appreciate the advice and encouragement :)

  5. Some of my greatest moments of growth and self discovery happened while I was single. I learned to sit with loneliness. I learned to breathe through the excessive sexual energy. I learned to step out and try new things just for me. There a video I will send you. About this very topic. It’s nice!

    • That’s great. Yeah being with someone can mask a lot of our issues, and it’s not until we sit with ourselves that we can really get to the bottom of our issues and work through them. I really used to use people as a crutch to make up for my own lack of self love and self acceptance which isn’t fair on them and doesn’t solve the real problem.

      It’s great as well, when you try things just for you, that’s where you meet similar people. So that if you do decide to go back into a relationship the person is more closely in tune to where you are. Meeting people organically is so much nicer than going to bars and trying your luck!

      Thanks for the lovely comment :)

      Rohan.

  6. Great post Rohan, I agree that being singel is fantastic. Since I am single I have found myself, I have grown, I have become alot happier. I can feel the freedom and it feels good. I have leart to love my self and value myself from being a doormat. Thanks for this great post!

    • That’s fantastic! Yes, I think it’s really important to face that fear of being single and pass through it to get to the other side of self love and self acceptance :) I never used to face the fear before, I would always try to find a person quick and live out the same cycle. And while I was single I was just depressed. But not the last time, this time was all about being totally ok with being single, and I’m so glad I achieved it :)

      Thanks for the great comment Ute :)

      All the best!

      Rohan.

  7. Definitely one of your best posts. I can relate to it 100%. By the way, isn’t sharing your experience cathartic? That’s how I feel over at “colossal garbage” land. :)

    • Aww, thanks :) Hehe, yeah sharing has the great twofold benefit of making us feel better and also showing others that they are not alone in their experience :)

      Thanks for the lovely comment ^_^

      All the best.

      Rohan.

  8. AWESOME post, Rohan!!

    I was pretty much the same in my earlier years, being in a relationship and having ‘someone special’ felt like an ultimate thing, like you should have it and that’s what gives you emotional comfort and defines your value… Blah, i know! ))
    I also took a serious time off trying to find ‘the right one’ (blah, again )) and revisited the whole thing from a different angle.

    I honestly think that the approach of a ‘second half’ is silly in its core and it’s a shortest way to make someone feel like a loser and a neurotic, unless he or she grabbed that ‘half’ and holding it with clams :D

    Being single lets us explore our true talents, because we need to fill our time and voids with something. Once we start concentrating on self development and hobbies instead of spending time on chasing/holding the relationships, we may actually feel more wholesome and worthy on our own :)

    Relationship is great, but it should never be a goal or a criteria defining our self worth and a peace of mind :)

    I find myself more in peace when I don’t anticipate anybody’s texts and have to think on what I should reply :)

    In simple words, being in a relationship gives a lot of your energy to your partner through thoughts, missing, issues and physical contact. Being single and happy keeps you energetically whole. And being able to feel energetically whole and fulfilled on your own actually attracts other people wildly! (To the contrary of a needy person that feels ‘complete’ only together with someone, but somehow always manages to end up alone and suffering anyway.)

    Your approach is great! Like that the choice is always yours :)

    • Thanks for the great comment, you really “get” it :) It’s romantic in movies this concept of finding our “other half” but it’s also a very damaging idea for young minds who grow up thinking they are only half a person, or lacking something. Yes exactly, a relationship should never be your means of becoming happy and fulfilled, a relationship should be something positive and nice that you can add to your already existing sense of contentment :)

      And yes, neediness and desperation very much repels people, except perhaps for those who are needy and desperate themselves, which is a recipe for a problem relationship. We all have the responsibility to take charge of our sense of self worth and contentment before we get involved with people, otherwise we are simply using other people as a means to live out our lack of self worth instead of enjoying them for who they are.

      Great comment, thanks Sofia :) All the best!

      Rohan.

  9. I know a girl who couldn’t handle being single to the point she was in an abusive relationship for two years (they were both abusing each other) claiming anyting is better than being single. I still can’t believe some people feel that way.

    • Thanks for the comment :) I know, it’s pretty crazy, the things people will put up with when they believe the alternative is worse :( Eventually we have to face that fear, be single long enough to realise that it’s not the end of the world. Only then can we have a chance at finding positive people to add to our lives, rather than desperately seeking a relationship with anyone just to avoid being single!

      Take care, all the best :)

      Rohan.

  10. Hi Rohan, what an encouraging and helpful post, so glad you grew from your relationship experiences. You point out correctly that knowing oneself should be the prerequisite before entering into a long term relationship, I totally agree with that. You really have to be confident and comfortable with oneself because you really can’t expect others to make up that deficiency within yourself. I’m just naturally a playful flirt and that tends to make my partners jealous. If I suppress this quality, then I’m not happy with myself and feel like a phony. So for me, serial dating works! I like meeting a variety of different people with different personalities and viewpoints. It really challenges and opens up my perspective of the world, I’m much more opened minded and loving nowadays because I can be freely who I’m meant to be. For me, the most important quality is friendliness and loving compassion and total acceptance of the other people just as he or she is. I realize the only person I could change is myself, so I might as well strive to be the best I can be. Thanks Rohan for sharing your knowledge and wisdom, your definitely on the right track! :D

    • Thanks for the lovely comment! As a natural flirt myself I can totally relate. I’ve always had issues with jealous partners, it doesn’t work very well at all. There is a degree of compromise in every relationship, but my fun and flirty nature is something I like about myself, as well as the fact that I become unhappy when I have to suppress it.

      These days I have the approach where people can take me or leave me, there are enough people who like me just the way I am to have to put up with being asked to change. And because I’m not afraid of being single or being rejected no one has any leverage over me, you know? I don’t like the feeling of rejection, but it’s still better than being stuck in a bad relationship.

      I’d highly recommend the book The Ethical Slut which is probably the best relationships book I’ve read. As you can probably tell from the name it focuses on alternative relationship configurations, however the central themes of communication, negotiation, boundaries and honesty work no matter what kind of relationship you want, great book!

      Take care, all the best!

      Rohan.

    • Ah, that’s you Madeline! I didn’t recognize you till I saw your tweets :) So glad you are back and blogging. Be sure to visit Sofia’s blog about people losing their blogs, the comments section has some great tips on easily backing up your blog :)

      Great to have you back!

      Rohan.

  11. I like number six better than anything else, it’s a great concept, apparently. I heard it the first time from Ernest Hemingway who said, “It is better to be alone than to be in bad company.”, an idea that was later promulgated by many self-help gurus.
    Thank you for sharing this, Rohan. Many blessings and much love to you.. :-)

    Subhan Zein

    • Thanks for the lovely comment, and the Hemingway quote, very cool :) It’s a very important point, if you limit you “bad company” you life is either filled with peaceful alone time or decent other people, you can’t lose haha :)

      All the best!

      Rohan.

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  13. I quote every word you said -it is just so true. Fear of loneliness and that we won’t be able to make it on our own is not good ground to start a relationship anyway, so it’s always better to wait until you learn how to really be with yourself before thinking of making commitments to anyone else -that’s what I always tell myself and so far it’s worked perfectly! I enjoy being alone and I cherish my ME time just as much as time spent with others -a precious achievement, and so much happiness coming with it :)
    Lovely article, keep up the great work!
    Anna

    • Thanks for the lovely comment Anna :) Yes you are exactly right! It’s not fair on yourself of the other person if you a desperate for the relationship simply out of fear. We treat ourselves and our partner so much better when we decide to enter the relationship for the right reasons, rather than by default :)

      And the only way to do that is to become content to be alone, appreciate ourselves, and don’t run from one person to the next in search of the “missing piece of ourselves”. Only we can provide that missing piece through self love and self acceptance.

      I’m glad you liked the post! All the best Anna, take care :)

      Rohan.

  14. Thanks for this post. It’s important to realize that being single offers something too. And that a lot of growing can take place. And that you might end up being a better partner with someone having gone through that growth.

    • That’s exactly right :) It took my a long time to truly understand that single-ness is a viable, and meaningful status all of it’s own. It is not simply second best to being in a relationship, and of course it is infinitely better than being in a bad relationship!

      And you will invariably be a better partner if you feel safe and happy in yourself :)

      Thanks for the comment! All the best.

      Rohan.

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  16. hey rohan,
    loved your blog! i so agree to lowering standards for fear of being or ending the relationships…the society has drilled being single as taboo so much so that being in unhealthy relationships become the norm…
    the tips shared are lovely!!!
    nice read!!
    good luck for your writing and music!
    moodsnmoments

    • Thanks for the comment :)

      Yes, our society is very much geared toward pushing people together and creating a stigma around single-ness, and unfortunately this pressure keeps so many people in a bad situation!

      Thanks for your kind words, take care, keep in touch :)

      Rohan.

  17. Very insightful – know a number of dear friends who ‘need’ that relationship when what they really should do is take control of their life , find a calm and steady within and look at the big picture. Regretfully in some cases these unhealthy relationships drag children into the whirlwind. I’m glad your content riding solo until the right person comes into focus! :)

    • I hear ya! It is a real pity when the kids get dragged in. An important decision should never be made in desperation, and yet so many of us are desperate to find a relationship simply because it’s “what society expects” that we can make some poor decisions about who we choose to spend our life and time with.

      Thanks for the comment :) All the best!

      Rohan.

      • Hi Rohan,

        Great post. Stuff like this is getting me through my break up. I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for 2 years and we haven’t been happy for about 6 months so I’ve decided to end it. He’s selfish, spoiled, puts me down a lot and doesn’t make me feel good. I often worry that I’m the problem, and that I expect men to do too much in a relationship, but after speaking to friebds about everything that’s happened, they’ve gone from liking my ex to completely backing the breakup in shock of what’s happened behind the scenes. I just hope I’ve made the right decision and am not going to regret ending this relationship when I find somebody worse than my ex? In the grand scheme of things he isn’t THAT bad, he trusts me, jealousy is not a problem we have which was quite a problem with ex’s and I always felt that was great about our relationship. It seems every area he’s great in, it’s ruined by other aspects. He was tight with money, would tell me off for spending my own, even though we don’t live together, I felt controlled. He always told me how I should act about certain scenarios, and that I was always wrong about stuff, going in huge moods because I don’t share his opinion (things like politics etc). How does this sound to you? I know nobody is perfect, and all good relationships have issues, but I struggled with both of those things so much that it built up and I left. He makes me pay towards his rent to his mom to cover my food at his when I’m there around 3 days a week, but doesn’t pay towards mine, I don’t ask. I don’t agree with paying his rent as I have my own to pay to my mum and he eats dinner if he’s at mine. But anyway, the final straw was on a Wednesday when I suggested we cook dinner at his as our plans were to meet at his. He flipped through text, said I’m rude and should never expect food from his family. My response was ‘you’ve never had an issue before, and you’re always welcome to food at mine, I have no problem with it’. He said if I expect dinner at his a few times a week, I should be paying more towards his rent. Strange I thought, as his mom always cooks me dinner when I’m there and I always say thank you. At this moment, everything clicked in my head and I thought, gosh, I can’t do anything right. What am I doing here? To top it all off, the last time we spent time together I went to his and he didn’t speak to me all night. Whenever I made conversation he was on his phone. This is a common occurance. It’s obviously the way he is, but it just doesn’t excite me. I go to his house.. To sit there and have no conversation? I can’t do it. Is this a relationship? Or is it unhealthy?? I’m nearly 30. My fear of single life is awful!

      • Sounds to me like there are multiple issues between you and your bf. All relationships require a great deal of healthy, open communication and compromise to work well, however it shouldn’t be impossibly hard. From my experience, a healthy relationship should be mostly peaceful and enjoyable, with the odd confrontation as issues arise and are dealt with. The problem many people have, myself included in the past, is that for one reason or another we believe it better to be in any kind of relationship that to be single. This belief is what keeps us in bad relationships and putting up with unfair treatment.

        It wasn’t until I truly embodied the idea that “If I can’t find someone who is truly compatible with me, then I would rather be content to remain single”. No relationship is perfect, and neither is being single. But being single is always better than being in a harmful or stifling relationship. And age is irrelevant, you might think “I’m nearly 30, I SHOULD have this and that,” well the fact is you don’t control the universe, and even though many people settle down in their 30s and 40s, there are many who don’t, and who live quite happily.

        I wish you luck, keep thinking, keep looking for better ways to enjoy yourself, whether you are with someone or not :)

        Rohan.

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  21. reading what you have said here is confirming what I have felt for a long time.it was for me that when I am in a relationship I always felt I was to give up a part of me. For me in love I wanted to give not just some but all of me.Ideally this may be a good thing, if that love is coming back with the same intensity..If I don’t receive what I gave eventually I had nothing more to give.. And when I can’t give, that person has no reason to stay. The break up always left me empty and lost, not remembering or know who I really am.So, for me it makes no sense to jump into another relationship to try and be or to find me. I could only see a very bad cycle continue in my life. The only alternative to spend some time single..I discovered to my surprise I could be alone and not be lonely. Clear of distraction the true me can be. Growing comfortable in my own skin. In fact liking myself. For the first time I realizing that giving up who I am and trying to be who I am not, will not secure a relationship.

    The irony is the ones outside looking in , seated in judgement , not accepting or understanding how I can be alone and happy. I can’t help but chuckle to myself seeing how miserable they are in their relationships, telling me I can’t be happy . And that I need some one in my life.It’s not a perfect world, but pretty dam close.

  22. Pingback: How To Make Yourself Irresistibly Attractive To Others! | rohan7things

  23. I have a friend who seriously has issues being single. It’s hard for me to come up with stuff to tell him. He got himself a girlfriend while I knew him, he was happy… for a while, but then he ended the relationship cause he said he couldn’t return the feelings for her, but now he’s back, which I told him was a responsible decision, but now he’s back to being sad the whole time how no one wants him and he keeps justifying his own attitude to me, because I’m not American and in America, being single pass 30 is the greatest shame of all.

  24. Interesting how I came across this – sitting at home alone after a long day of work feeling alone and a bit depressed. This feeling comes after almost two years of having several random “non-committal” situations occur since my last relationship of three years, which was definitely one of those relationships that causes more harm than good but I was far too afraid to be single and so I just accepted the negativity of the relationship. Bad idea. It has made it such a struggle to build back the confidence that I once had, and that has been very indicative in so many of the relations I had after that relationship. I’m currently 29, have been hurt time and time again, and most recently by someone I spent a lot of time getting to know (long distance situation) thinking it would be different, but alas, here I am yet again. Deriving from all of this that I am really just not happy with myself and am continually trying to find someone to make me happy. Reading this post, I feel so inspired and, for once, not ashamed of being single. All of the points described are so accurate, it actually makes me smile.
    Thanks for the wisdom!

  25. Pingback: Blog Birthday! Thanks For Making Rohan’s 7 Things a Success! | rohan7things

  26. hello, great read and some great comments. i have had a rough 5 years, from mentally/psychically abusive relationships. to escape i ran off with someone after a short time and we had a child. since her birth, i have done nothing right, he says i need to change, im not good enough in so many ways, is all i hear day in and day out. ive have tried working things out for my daughters sake, people try to tell me i loved him once, why cant i work it out, or telling me the percentage of kids from broken home. idk why people want to guilt me into something that make me unhappy. but i do not want my daughter growing up thinking this is how daddy’s treat mommys and daughters, the verbal abuse/anger is too much. I have decided to leave and im sad that ive brought another person into this world, when it wasnt the right time. but i also feel like she has given me courage to stand up and say, i deserve to be respected as a person, and a mother. im not someone who needs to change to please another. any change needs to be my own choice, and who cares if i am messy or like to eat mac and cheese for dinner. ive come to the realization that i am who i am take it or leave it. and idk whats changed in me, but im not feel sad, im feeling more relieved i am sad for my daughter, sad that her father will miss her, but i think its for the best in the long run. i just do have that fear of being alone FOREVER though. which i need to get over. i will keep re reading this to stay strong!

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  28. A great find today and very grateful for it!..i’m 55 wife died 14yrs ago..then r/ship failure, 2months ago and all this happening without even having one shred of an idea about who i was/am!..It (lonliness) hits me when in bed and ill..the absolute pits! (want to run). So!, jump on the net and always a surprise waiting..(so lucky are we to have it!)..Hope you all find a little peace for yourselves! and thank you all for sharing!

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