As you probably know I am usually one who would support the idea of positive thinking. Being a proponent of abundance consciousness it is my belief that what we choose to focus on is magnified and increased in our lives. Focus always on the positive in a given situation, the things that are working well, and your attitude and vibe will change. This new, abundant vibe will then attract the kinds of people and opportunities that are in tune with the new you via the naturally occurring laws of attraction. Choose instead to focus on the negative, wallowing only in the things you lack, and the opposite will occur. When you emit a vibe of lack, of cynicism or “not enough-ness” you will attract into your life the kinds of people and situations that support that way of being.
However that being said, there are definitely times where it pays to be cynical, negative and skeptical. There are certain situations where we must temporarily put on hold a cheery outlook in order to reach safety. I am talking of course about bullies, sociopaths/psychopaths, abusers and torturers! There are essentially two types of targets in any bullying or abusive situation, let’s take a look at what they are:
Can’t have positive without negative
* The Aware Victim - This is the simpler of the two situations. The aware victim knows that they are being bullied and they know that it’s wrong. Due to the abuse usually occurring at a neutral location such as a school or workplace, the target must grin and bear it for as long as they have to, but can usually find peace and solace upon returning home, on weekends or by leaving the school/job. The target and the bully are not usually closely related or intimately involved and so the target has a genuine and healthy dislike for the bully and their behaviors. To put it simply the aware victim knows that they are the target of abusive or unfair treatment and they form a natural dislike for the situation.
* The Unaware Victim - Also know as Stockholm Syndrome, the unaware victim is not consciously aware that they are being targeted for bullying, nagging, nit picking, deceit or other physical or psychological abuse. This is the much more dangerous of the two situations, and mostly occurs in intimate relationships and between close family members, particularly parent and child relationships. The unaware victim may be beaten, shouted at, humiliated or otherwise psychically, psychologically or sexually abused however they will always come to the defense of their abuser due to the complex emotions involved in close relationships. And more often than not they will blame themselves for whatever abuse takes place.
Now I don’t mean to minimize the plight of the aware victim, even when you know you are being bullied, and that the bully is in the wrong, it can still lead to depression, anxiety, self loathing and even suicide. However the aware victim does have the advantage of awareness and will often seek the help of a person of authority, or make an attempt to improve their situation by removing themselves from the influence of the bully. However the unaware victim doesn’t even see the problem, so there is no impetus for change whatsoever. Not only this but when concerned friends or family members looking in from the outside see what’s going on, the unaware victim can attack them in order to defend the abuser!
Sometimes!
I’ve experienced both forms of victim-hood and can tell you that positive thinking can be either your best friend, or your worst enemy when it comes to living in an abusive or bullying situation. The aware victim can benefit greatly from proactive, positive thinking and practicing abundance consciousness. Let’s look at some examples of how positive thinking can help the aware victim:
- Thinking positively in the school situation works well as you can focus on the fact that it is time limited. Even if you were unlucky enough to be in the same classes as the bully every year, the fact is that school does eventually come to an end. Even if you do nothing but grin and bear it, the problem will solve itself in time.
- Our thinking determines our actions and positive thinking leads to positive actions. Speak to your parents about changing school, make it clear that this is serious. Look into homeschooling. And don’t take no for an answer, the number of times I’ve and read heard of parents ignoring their children only for them to become depressed and despondent or attempt suicide is pretty heartbreaking. If you’re a parent, listen to you kids.
- People who are bullied are usually targeted for displaying an aptitude or talent beyond the average. Intelligent people, artistic people, sensitive and empathic people and creative people are most often the targets of abuse. This may be little consolation, but if you are being targeted it’s most likely because you are pretty darn good at what you do, and you are a decent and caring person. It’s not much perhaps, but it’s something to be positive about.
As you can see a positive, abundant attitude can be beneficial to the aware victim. Unfortunately the unaware victim is already a master of positive thinking, and is always using it to justify and paste over the misdeeds of the abusive party. Here are some of the common uses of the unaware victim’s “positive thinking”:
- But he’s great with the kids, a really great father
- But she loves me
- She’s right though, I probably wouldn’t find someone who loves and cares for me as much as she does
- But we’re family, blood is thicker than water
- But she’s my mum, she’s a lovely woman really
- But the good times are nice
- He’s doing me a favor by staying with someone useless like me
And so on. The point is that the unaware victim is always “looking on the bright side”, and they can’t be blamed for it’s a natural human tendency to look for the good in a bad situation. But it’s important for anyone who is in a situation where physical, sexual or psychological abuse is taking place to begin to, at least temporarily, adopt an attitude of negativity in order to get out of the abusive situation and into safety. Don’t paste over what they did, enhance it, blow it up and look at it in detail, show it to your friends, call an abuse hotline and talk about it! Here’s a list of a few things that people who respect, love and care for you would never do, and for which there is no justification for:
- Beat you
- Demean you
- Make you feel worthless
- Tell you that you’ll never find someone else
- Laugh at you while you cry
- Criticize and make fun of your hobbies and interests
- Force you to stay with them, with the threat of violence or social death if they don’t
- Manipulate you with crying and emotional blackmail
- Promise to change but never do
Sometimes we’re drunk and shouldn’t listen to ourselves!
If any of the items on this list are happening to you or someone you know it’s time to get cynical, to get negative and to get angry! There will be plenty of time for positives when you reach safety, outside the reach of this psycho, but for now it’s time to stop justifying their abusive actions and work toward securing yourself in safety. I too was once convinced that there was no one else out there who would like me for me, and boy was I wrong. No matter who you are you do not deserve to have to spend your life being treated like a sub human, there absolutely are good and decent people in the world waiting to treat you well. But you need to give them the opportunity to enter your life by first getting away from your torturer. And even if you don’t meet a great person straight away, it’s incredibly satisfying to be single and independent if you have a few good friends or family supporting you.
In summary, positive thinking is great, it’s a good trait to possess, to be able to put a good spin on things and feel better. But there are some situations where it pays to be negative, to look reality in the face and get yourself to safety. I wish everyone the best of luck, whether you have escaped such a situation, have never been in one or are currently facing one.
What have you’re experiences been with bullies and psychos been like? What did you do to finally break away?
Thanks for reading, all the best 
Rohan.
Related articles:
- How To Tell if You or Someone You Know is Being Bullied
- Compliant
- Are You A Psychopath?
- 3 Steps to Creating & Enforcing Strong Personal Boundaries
- Are Corporate Leaders Psychopaths?
Rohan Healy is the author of “Greeks to Geeks: Practical Stoicism in the 21st Century” and “The 7 Things That Made Me Genuinely & Irreversibly Happy: And How They Can Do The Same For You”
Click the book titles to visit their Amazon pages, read the reviews, and sample or purchase the books.
The Stockholm Syndrom is something I have heard used in a different way; A guy kidnaps a woman and every once in awhile, he lets her come and watch TV with him and soon she falls for him and he falls for her and they actually develop something. If the woman gets saved by the police let’s say, she still has that feeling for the person who’s kidnapped her. (That’s what I heard).
). The post now is really well written and I agree that positive thinking can be bad at times. This reminds of me of something I read. Don Kichot and Sancho Pansa. (I am not really sure if it has the same title in English). And so, Don Kichot is this optimist but in the end reality hits him and he dies mentally a few days he dies physically. Sad, isn’t it but really connected with your post.
I think you should write a post about how negative thinking can be something good( I am interested in seeing what you will develop of it
Yes, Stockholm Syndrome was originally defined as being held hostage and slowly beginning to “love” the one who is holding you captive as you spend time together and become attached. It’s the same with some relationships, the abuser is holding the other person “hostage” through fear, intimidation and emotional blackmail, and yet the victim protects the abuser as they grow attached and affectionate towards them. It’s a really complex and confusing psychological situation.
Yes, when it comes down to it, instead of thinking about negative versus positive thinking, it should really be about looking at things realistically, with an overall vibe of abundance in order to feel good about yourself and attract good things into your life. But as you say, blind positivism can be just as dangerous as dwelling always in negativity.
Like the yin/yang sign, it’s all about balance
Thanks for the comment!
Rohan.
Without balance we’re doomed.
APPLAUDS! Another genius post, Rohan! These words remind me of so many people and agree 100 percent with you! There is also no justification for passive/aggressive little digs and condescending comments that if you confront the person he/she was just “joking.” I have absolutely no use for insensitive, ego maniacs who are so insecure with themselves they have to constantly be dissing on others to make themselves feel more high and mighty. No good can come out of that ever, except for the fact that I love myself more because I’m so far away from what these jerks are like!
Go Rohan!
Tanks Maryanne
Yes yes yes! Some bullying (I think this presents more in female bullies) is much more subtle, things like nit picking, passive aggressiveness, the ‘silent treatment’, playing the victim, emotional blackmail, back handed compliments and so on. But it is just as destructive as the more obvious things like shouting, humiliating or physically hitting. I’m glad you mentioned that because I totally agree!
And yeah if you are being targeted, at least you know that you have something of value
All the best Maryanne!
Rohan.
What a fantastically thought-provoking post. Thanks for your wisdom here!
Thank you for the comment Julie, I’m glad you liked the post
Take care!
Rohan.
I can relate to what you are saying here, I’m usually very cautious with movements or ideas concerning only negative or only positive ideas. Thank you for posting this, it’s an eye opener!
Yes, there is some very dodgy stuff out there in the “self help” arena, I hope that my writing is inspiring but does not set people up to take a fall like so much of the self esteem building garbage.
It’s important to have a balance, and even if you’re a generally positive character, negativity still has it’s uses
Thanks for the comment Ruby, take care
Rohan.
Rohan,
Great post. The key is to develop awareness and to be able to make choices. You’ve outlined those very clearly here and I suspect it will help those who haven’t become aware of the fact that they can choose.
Cathy
Thank you Cathy
That’s exactly right, it’s really important to be honest with ourselves about the people in our lives and how they treat us, so that we can made the right decision about what to do.
Take care Cathy, all the best
Rohan.
Rohan this is one thought provoking post… one that I’m going to have to read a second time more slowly and give my old brain time to absorb the article… thank you.. wonderful post…
Thanks for the lovely comment! I’m happy if I can provide something that requires a second read, I certainly think this kind of info deserves lot’s of thought and bears repeating
Take care!
Rohan.
Can I “like” this seventeen or eighteen times??? It is so important to see this in print. A smart, strong individual is still capable of glossing over what negativity another does to them, without realizing it. A person can still be less judgement and more tolerant, without becoming a victim–we can still see the bright side yet not accept the dark.
It is interesting how we slowly accept the descent, unaware of our new “normal.”. We think we are still at the same high level of personal value, and we have no idea how far we’ve fallen. Thank God for friends and family, may we be there for others when they need it.
If a person hasn’t experienced this, it looks sooo simple on paper. In the telling, it is clearly black and white. In the actual living, it is opaque and obscured. Do not underestimate the cleverness of the master manipulators, and release yourself from any self-punishment for letting your beautiful gifts of kindness and empathy get taken advantage of. Keep being yourself, but bookmark Rohan’s post!!
Haha, unfortunately not, maybe we should get onto WordPress about adding a “Like 18 times” button
Yes you are so right! I call it the “Boiling Frog” phenomenon, when the water’s temperature rises so slowly that the frog doesn’t notice until it’s too late. No one goes into a situation thinking “Hmm, I think today I’ll commit to a years long abusive relationship”, these things develop slowly over time with lot’s of empty promises and manipulation.
Yup, looks very simple to someone who hasn’t experienced it, and even when looking in from the outside it can appear totally black and white. When you’ve spent years with someone, and shared so much time together it’s so hard to accept that they could be the bad guy. And like you said, thank god for friends and family who can provide the strength to help get you out and keep you out of dangerous and unhealthy situations.
That’s a great message, yes they took advantage of your faith in the decency of other human beings, they are in the wrong and you have nothing to feel guilty about!
Thanks for the lovely comment
You take care Gina!
This is a thought provoking reply to Rohan’s excellent post. In particular, in a victim situation one begins to feel one is doing something wrong, and even in the end when you recognise this for what it is, even when you are out of the situation, you then continue to beat yourself that you were being too soft, you should have been more assertive, you should not have taken it. Thanks for the reminder to look at my own inner values and to realize that my “gifts” of kindness and empathy were not wrong, they were simply taken advantage of.
Great post, Rohan! My dad was an unaware victim of his deceased wife and father’s abuse. Always looking at the ‘bright side’ and ignoring the bad things. Even now that they’re both dead he defends their behaviour. I, however, was an aware victim but it didn’t feel any better until I could talk about it in therapy. I always knew my mother was abusive but couldn’t do anything. Positive thinking has been something I acquired in the last few years. Prior to that I was very negative!
Thank you
Oh wow, I’ve seen something similar in my own life. Sometimes it can simply be too hard for someone to admit that the person they’d spent so much of their life with was torturing them and others, that reality is just to painful to accept. Ultimately though we are so much healthier when we face the truth and call things by their real name, abuse, cruelty, bullies, psychos.
That’s great though, I’m glad to hear that you’ve been able to work through some of your experiences and come out of it with a better overall outlook on things
Take care! (And thanks for the reblog)
Rohan.
Reblogged this on Finding Health After Illness and commented:
I always had a negative view of my abusive mother since I was a child. My therapists were always surprised I had a bad view of my parents. Guess even though it’s odd it was a good thing! At least I was an “aware victim”.
A fascinating and well-written post. As a student of Positive Thinking myself (for want of a better phrase), it’s a subject that intrigues me. Everyone has their own take on it, but to me Positive Thinking isn’t about always being positive or looking on the bright side! To me, denying our natural negative feelings is just storing up trouble, further down the line. Being positive is about empowering yourself, as it means you can make your own choices, rather than having to fall in line with someone else. You can accept someone sees things differently, without agreeing with them.
I think every negative situation contains the potential for positive within it, and vice versa. The yin-yang symbol sums it up perfectly.
Steve.
Thanks for the comment Steve, nice to meet ya
Yeah, exactly right. I practice and write about abundance consciousness, and I’d consider myself to be a naturally “Glass half full” kinda guy. As you say though, it’s important not to let those negative feelings build up and come back you later on. It’s so important to take a realistic view of any given situation, and then look for the positive and pursue it 
And certainly once you escape from an abusive situation, there’s plenty of time for exploring the very real positives that you’ve gained yourself.
Take care Steve, all the best
Rohan.
Most certainly many situations are negative and open for discussion and/or facing them head on with action is required but through it all one should hold on to positive thoughts and keep the faith.. I say standing tall in the midst of trials which are dark is what is required in our world. We can’t be like the majority who turn up the radio and pretend like something doesn’t exist. It might not even be an attack on you but an abusive attack on a neighbor, a neighborhood, a friend or a small child. You have to ask yourself over and over in many situations what is the right thing to do? Sometimes, not making a problem out of everything may be the way to go. Staying true to yourself and doing the right thing with courage is most generally the key to any life situation.
Oh I totally agree. In most situations it’s definitely the more expansive and proactive thing to do, that is to focus on the positive aspect and follow it
Sometimes though people need to take a realistic view of the situation where abuse is taking place, and focus on that cruelty until something is done about it, rather than grinning through it, justifying the bad stuff by looking on the bright side.
And yes, we have a responsibility to help those that we can. There are plenty of things that we don’t control, in these cases we should always look for the silver lining and smile, but when we have the power to improve a situation, then it’s important that we take action
As you said: “Staying true to yourself and doing the right thing with courage is most generally the key to any life situation”
That’s a very cool saying
Thanks for the comment, take care 
Rohan.
Great Post, my experience with psycho’s? LOL–it’s all there on my blog–still working on totally getting away, though…..
Thanks Ivonne
Haha, I know! Well you keep at it, things will get better, thank god you are at least at the stage where you know what you are dealing with, and treating the situation with the seriousness it deserves!
Thanks for the comment, take care
Rohan.
Excellent post, Rohan! There is most definitely a balance to be attained, between the positive and the negative. I see the effects of the unbalanced positive outlook in other women who have been bullied and abused. I was the “aware” person, though the experience still affected me negatively. It was with introspection and extrospection that I was made aware of the abuse and tactics he used to succeed. I tried to remain trusting and positive, which only prolonged the abuse. It so happened that I was forced to listen to my original gut reaction, when I realized just how dangerous a man he was, and was able to find strength to get out of the situation. I have a positive outlook, while being continuously aware of his potential, which is unsurmountable! This has served to keep me safe in the workplace, but not imprisoned by anxiety and fear.
Thank you! Yes, awareness can be more painful in a way because you can see what’s wrong but still feel powerless, or too fearful to change the situation. Unfortunately we have to realise that some people just don’t deserve out trust or our emotional investment, and we risk manipulation if we open ourselves up to these kinds of people.
I’m so glad you got out of your situation and can now heal and talk about it
Yup, stay positive, but be aware that not everyone has your best interests at heart, and that there are some very dangerous and manipulative people in the world.
I guess if there’s one positive we can take from our experiences, it’s that we now have a much better idea of the warning signs, which will help us avoid further trouble in the future
Take care, keep well
Rohan.
I have been a victim of different types of abuse during my life. My last long term relationship, which lasted in total about eight and a half years and ended on November 5th 2011, was mostly abusive. Originally I was friends with the guy and in the first year of our relationship he seemed like my perfect soul mate and a wonderful guy, then he began to change and got worse. After about a year and half we split up but that was after living together for 6 months. He wouldn’t leave me alone, even with a police injunction and I had feelings for him and remembered the way he was, so after 6 months I got back with him. When I first got back with him, he seemed for a short time, to be the nice person I used to know he was and then that was it, he got worse and worse and worse. I stayed with him for seven years believing he would go back to the lovely soul mate he had once been. In the end he said he had fallen in love with someone else but they didn’t feel the same way. I wouldn’t split up with him, I couldn’t, I loved him too much and I also knew that if I split with him, he wouldn’t leave me alone again and he would make out he was the victim again and I wanted to be free of him for good. I managed to tell him he wasn’t good enough for me and finally he left me. Although he did try to get back with me by saying he thought he may have cancer and by cutting his arms. I stood strong and refused to care anymore, even though inside I was hurting. Painful though it was, I am so glad I am now free from what I call prison. I could barely even speak to him by the end. I had become a shadow of my former self, I had lost my bubbly personality, I was unhappy, lonely, hurt and in emotional and mental pain. Whilst I was with him, I had turned into a person who I didn’t even want to be but now, over a year later I am back to being me and better than that, back to being the person I was born to be and pursuing my dream career. I am reaching for the stars and determined that no guy is ever going to stop me again. I have had to break through several fear barriers and I am still doing that. He made me afraid to do some things on my own by telling me it wasn’t safe for me and he would taunt me for living in fear of situations that were not good for me. Now I do what I want, when I want, I am single and happy and trying my hardest to keep it that way.
Wow, thanks for sharing your story! I’m so glad you are now out of that situation! It’s amazing the way they will always make you feel like the evil one whenever you try to stand up for yourself. The fact is that it requires 2 people to want a relationship, but it only requires 1 to end it. Everyone has the right to end a relationship and no one has the right to force someone to stay.
And it’s true that we do genuinely love some things about these people, that’s what makes it so difficult and complex. However in the end we have to realise that no amount of “love” can justify abuse, pain, torture and manipulation. There are far too many decent people out there who will offer you love without the pain or abuse, to be spending time with a dangerous person.
You keep going strong and enjoy all the things that you couldn’t do for so long
Let every day feel like a little miracle and use your experiences to ensure to that you don’t end up in that kind of situation again 
Take care, all the best!
Rohan.
Hi Rohan. Thanks so much for the encouragement, support and kind words. I thought it was important to share that in order to help others. I haven’t said it so publicly before but I am afraid that domestic violence and abuse of different sorts amongst the people I come across seems to be occurring more and more. The point was, although I did love him in terms of the feelings I had for him, as one human being to another, I loved him for the person he used to be but in the end not the person he had become. I remained positive that he would change back, that one day I would be able to reach that nice kind person inside him but I was wrong and now I thankfully have moved on and my life is so much better without him.
Yeah, I see. I know what you mean, we can spend years trying to recapture what made the early part of a relationship so good. It’s heartbreaking to realise that the good times aren’t coming back. But still not as heartbreaking as spending forever trying to make the impossible happen!
Your fist hand experiences can help a lot of people
Rohan.
Thanks Rohan. Yes, I guess I was being positive about a negative situation that was not good for me but thankfully now I am happy being single.
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Wonderful post, Rohan!
I also advocate positivity and acceptance, but even though i don’t jump happily around bullies and psychos and let them know that i’ll accept whatever they wish to pull..
It’s better to acknowledge those people and stay away from them.
It’s easy to know who’s a bully and a sociopath in your school or at work. But it is more complicated to get smart in your own relationship where feelings are involved.
I’ve dealt with both social and personal abusers and it’s no fun.
But the way out starts at the moment you admit you are being involved with psychos. Getting out of such involvements is often easier than actually admitting you are in them, and it’s not all your fault as they make you believe.
Yes, it’s the acknowledgment that is the hardest part, I agree. To admit to yourself that the person you love, the person you’ve defended and spent so much time with, is actually doing you a lot of harm is incredibly difficult.
But once you break past that point, then you can take action to protect yourself and move on with your life, finding decent people to spend your time with
Thanks for the lovely comment Sofia!
Rohan.
Wow! Some really good points on unwittingly ending up in an abusive situation. Who would’ve thought that taking a positive attitude could end up with such negative results?
On a lighter note I’ve heard that people who are overly optimistic are more likely to overeat when dieting. They think they can handle just one or two bites of some rich, chocolatey treat but they can’t.
Thanks for the comment! Haha, I didn’t know that about positive people dieting, kind of ironic huh. Some times it pays to hope for the best, but plan for the worst, and keep a little bit of cynicism on hand for when it’s needed
Rohan.
Hello. This is a fantastic post. I agree that sometimes it is worthwhile to take a hold on positiveness; however, I am not sure that being “negative” (which is seeing things as hopeless) is the answer. And in fact I don’t think that is what you are saying is the answer. You say one must face the reality of the situation – no matter how dark – and do something about it. This is not negativity, but rather a belief in oneself and a propulsion to action.
Thanks for the comment Elizabeth
You are exactly right, hopelessness and defeatism is definitely not the answer. My somewhat liberal use of the word negative in this case refers, as you say, to seeing things as they really are, without covering them up with too much “look on the bright side”. In most cases I am an advocate of positive thinking, I think that every circumstance you could find yourself in can be improved by shifting your perception to a more realistic and positive one 
My point was merely that when you use “positive thinking” to cover up abuse it’s not truly positive at all, it’s quite destructive. Of course this is an incredibly complex situation, and much easier said than done. It took me four years to finally stop living in denial and stop making excuses for another persons behavior.
Thanks for your comment, you are right, the answer is not defeatism, but rather action. To get out of denial and into a process of moving on
Rohan.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply.
You are right. And I see now that in the past I have probably covered up or ignored issues or excused other’s behaviour (or looked at things through rose-coloured glasses). Things that really needed facing.
And I think that other lady who commented is correct. Someone else took advantage of your kindness and empathy….their problem… not yours.
Take care and I wish you well
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