Forget love potions and magic spells, this is actually much, much easier than you might think. Many of us struggle with our own sense of attractiveness, and influences such as advertising and the mainstream media’s portrayal of beauty do not help. We are trained to think that “Because she is beautiful people are attracted to her, and because of that she is confident and happy.” We spend fortunes on clothing, makeup, hair do’s (and don’ts!), expensive restaurants and other gimmicks in an attempt to cover up our own insecurities and copy what we see in the media. Notice how everyone is making buck of this little charade? Everyone except you! In order to become genuinely and irresistibly attractive to others we need to rethink everything, flip it all on it’s head. We don’t need to be “beautiful” to attract people in order to become happy and confident. We must become happy and confident, which makes us beautiful and attractive to others!
How NOT to Attract Others
Grab your beakers and Bunsen burners and let’s do a little reverse engineering! In order to uncover the secret to being attractive to others let’s first work out what makes someone utterly UN-attractive. There are two basic attributes that will ensure un-attractiveness. These are a lack of self love, and desperation. Let’s take a closer look:
* Lack of Self Love: When we dislike ourselves it makes it very difficult for others to like us as well. When we are overly self deprecating, self pitying, self hating and so on we are really stacking things against ourselves! By not presenting anything to like about ourselves to friends, colleagues and potential love partners, we are basically acting as a person repellent. People want to like other people, but we have to give them something to like. And I don’t mean a bullet point list of skills and talents. If you like the way you smile it will come out in your smile and will be much easier for others to like as well. Simple stuff. When you really love yourself you are doing most of the work for everyone else. It’s much easier to love something that is already loved, than to take a risk on something that’s not. Basic human psychology. Oh and I don’t mean that you should become a self absorbed, narcissistic ego maniac. This might work well short term (many psychos and bullies are great charmers), but if you want fair, genuine and lasting relationships then it’s best not to come off as flaky and egoistic. Everyone should be loving themselves. Not just for the things we’ve done, but simply because we exist. We are born with innate worth and human dignity, which is totally lovable!
* Desperation: This is the other most powerful person repellent known to man. When we are terrified to be alone, filled with fear and desperation, it shatters our confidence in ourselves and we virtually reek of Eau de Somebody Please Love Me! Until we learn to love and accept, not just ourselves, but our circumstance we will be mostly unsuccessful attracting others. The irony is that if you are looking for a lover or a partner, the quickest and easiest way to find one is to no longer want one! When you are genuinely satisfied to remain single you emit an air of confidence in yourself that others simple want a piece of. Suddenly it’s no longer up to you to prove yourself to a person of interest, it’s up to them to prove why you should bother coming out of happy single life to engage with them. Confidence is actually quite easy to fake. Walk up to anyone, say and do a few of the “right” things and eventually you will walk away with a phone number. Books like The Game will teach you that. But I’m talking about genuine, and ethical confidence. Learn to love yourself fully and learn how to be happy and content all on your own. These are the keys to attaining a genuinely attractive quality.
Always Do The Opposite!
In the classic Seinfeld episode George realizes that every choice he’s ever made has been the wrong one, and has resulted in disaster every time. Because of this he decides to always do the opposite of his natural inclination. He sees an attractive woman on the other side of the cafe, she glances at him and, instead of ignoring her like he usually would, he approaches her. Instead of trying to make himself sound cool and important he comes out with the truth “My name is George, I’m unemployed and I live with my parents”, the woman smiles, turns and says “I’m Victoria, hi”. He’s got himself a date. This is of course a TV show but it’s not too far from the truth. Don’t always come off like you’re trying to impress. Be honest about your limitations and weaknesses. Lead with your insecurities. Be clear about what you do and don’t like, will and won’t do. People are attracted to someone who is honest and up front, who knows what they want and need.
So I just got through telling how it’s not about hair do’s and makeup, well it is, a little. We don’t all need to look like Brad or Angelina, everyone has a best version of themselves. And it’s not to hard to attain. Shower, wear clean and well fitting clothes, tidy your hair or wear a nice hat. If you’re a guy shave your face, or grow tidy facial hair. If you’re a girl use the minimum amount of makeup possible. Don’t wear overbearing deodorants. Keep your finger nails trimmed. Looking good is not hard, and most of us look plenty good already. It’s just common sense. Some of us, however, could probably do with toning down the makeup, hair gel, deodorants and fancy clothes (remember desperation?). The cool thing though is that when we develop self love and genuine confidence we tend to take pretty good care of ourselves, including our appearance. So this should follow naturally on.
If you really want others to like you and be attracted to you, whether you’re looking for friends, lovers, partners or something else, you have to take your attention off the people themselves. Focus instead on learning non-judgmental and unconditional self love and acceptance. Work at making the best of being single or without lots of friends, learn to genuinely love it, like you’ve chosen it (trust me, many people actively choose single life!). Take care of your health and your appearance for you, not to meet people, just because you enjoy looking good. And finally always be upfront and honest in your dealings with people. Don’t make claims you can’t back up or try to make yourself sound better in some areas than you actually are. If you spend a good 6 months forgetting about people and instead focus on the four tenets of attractiveness, I guarantee you will see results. And who knows, after the 6 months you just might be digging your own groove so much you may not even want to engage heavily with other people. It’ll be up to them to convince you why you should abandon your happy single life. Always remember the four tenets:
* Love Yourself Unconditionally
* Love Your Life As It Is Right Now, Never Become Desperate
* Take Care Of Your Health And Appearance
* Be Honest and Authentic
Those are the keys to making yourself irresistibly attractive to others. It takes work and time initially, but it does get results. Not only will it make you more attractive it will, arguably more importantly, make you happier and more content with yourself and your life in general :)
Thanks for reading, all the best!
- Ignore The Ones We Like
- What? Where Did this Come From?
- Musings On Smell
- Appealing Or Appalling?
- The Gravity of Venus
- The Normal Bar: Rules of Attraction
Rohan Healy is the author of “Greeks to Geeks: Practical Stoicism in the 21st Century”, “The 7 Things That Made Me Genuinely & Irreversibly Happy: And How They Can Do The Same For You” and Sci Fi Action/Adventure novel Gyaros: The Mice Eat Iron!
Click the book titles to visit their Amazon pages, read the reviews, and sample or purchase the books.