SEX, Not As a Separate Subject: What is Outercourse?


SEX, Not as a Separate Subject smlToday I am very proud (and just a little anxious) to officially unveil my next work of non-fiction: “SEX, Not as a Separate Subject: A Guide to Great Sex, With Great People”

Ta Da! I designed the cover myself and I don’t mind telling you that I reckon it’s pretty cute :) It will be a number of weeks before I finish writing this book, but I have already penned the majority of the first draft. Once that’s done I’ll be going over it a few times and having it proof read by others. I’ve always had a big interest in sex and sexuality, from a very young age. I’ve actively studied the science and spirituality of sex for many, many years and of course had a number of direct, personal experiences to draw from. This is the book I wish I had read when I was in my late teens, a book that educates, enlightens, excites, dispels myths and corrects misinformation. A book that makes you feel good about your body and your sexuality no matter who you are or how you express yourself sexually.

I will have more news and updates on the release of “SEX, Not as a Separate Subject” in the coming weeks, with a target release of late June. For now though enjoy a sample of one of the many chapters on the physical aspect of sex. Please note that this is an early draft and is subject to change and editing. Enjoy! Let me know what ya think ;)

The Outercourse Limits

goldin_kissI believe it was when reading a very good book called The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy that I first heard the term outercourse used and defined. However I actually experienced outercourse first hand many years before that. I was 18 years old at the time and had been sexually involved with a number of people already. I’d had some pretty incredible experiences in my teen years and I feel really quite blessed to have been lucky enough to enjoy those back then. I know many people (including many of my friends at the time) didn’t engage in sexual intercourse until later, though they did of course go on to enjoy their own satisfying and meaningful sexual experiences when the time was right for them. It’s not a race. The quality of the experience is what’s important, not when it happens. My first few encounters were fairly clumsy affairs, and although they were pretty spectacular at the time, it was obvious that we were still finding our way around. My first sexual endeavours were penetrative; emulating the most popular positions I’d witnessed in the pornos I’d managed to get my hands on (this was before the internet kids!). There was little foreplay in those early endeavors other than kissing and making out, soon after which it was popped in for a few fun minutes before collapsing and catching our breath. When I was 18 however, my whole perception of sex changed forever and for the better. A woman a number of years older than me took an interest in me and we quickly began an intimate relationship. She specialised in non-penetrative sex; she simply didn’t like penetration! I had no idea such a thing even existed! “How do I have sex without putting my penis in something?!” My question was soon answered, and boy was I pleasantly surprised!

It’s not that she’d never had penetrative sex, or couldn’t; she had, and we did. But it paled in comparison to our non-penetrative, or outercourse sex. Outercourse is any kind of sexual activity that does not involve vaginal or anal penetration with a penis, though definitions may vary depending on who you ask. So the obvious question is why? Why would anyone actively choose to have outercourse? I’ll give you a few examples:

* To Avoid Pregnancy: This is an obvious one. You cannot get pregnant if no semen enters a vagina (In vitro fertilization notwithstanding). If there are no condoms, or other birth control methods available, it’s quite possible to enjoy incredible sex by engaging in outercourse.

SHG_083_Outtercourse_THUMB_640x480_KL* To Avoid STDs: We greatly reduce the possibility of contracting a sexually transmitted disease when no seminal or vaginal fluid or blood comes into contact with one another’s genitals. If this is a concern for you outercourse may be a good choice.

* When Penetration is not Possible or Desired: When a woman is on her period, when the one being penetrated is feeling sore or has an infection, or if one of the partners simply isn’t comfortable with penetration, outercourse is a great option. Also if a man is experiencing erectile dysfunction it doesn’t mean he can’t still enjoy providing outercourse for his partner.

* When One or Both Partners Aren’t Ready: Sexual intercourse is a big step in any relationships, particularly when it is the first time for one or both partners. Outercourse is a great way to learn about sex and discover each other’s bodies without having to think about pregnancy, STDs or “going all the way”.

*As an Alternative to Intercourse: Even those who enjoy full vaginal and, or anal penetration can enjoy outercourse as a change to their usual routine. When the focus is removed from the act of penile penetration it opens up a whole other world of possibilities!

The next most obvious question is how do we have outercourse? Well the short answer is how don’t we have outercourse?! What I mean is the only thing removed is penile penetration; everything else is (quite literally) up for grabs. There are countless ways to get each other off and reach incredible heights of pleasure without requiring that a willy be popped in somewhere! I’m going to give you a few examples now of non penetrative sex and how it can be just as good, or better than “the old in out, in out.”

ear-lick* Kissing, Licking and Biting: You think you know it all about kissing? Yeah I thought I did too until I met my outercourse Wonder Woman! Of course French kissing can be incredibly sexy and sensual all by itself, however when we introduce focused kissing around the neck, shoulders and chest it can be out of this world. Highly sensitive parts of the body including the thighs, the neck, the ears, the nipples, the anal sphincter and the feet can provide incredible pleasure when gently kissed or licked, as well as the genitals themselves obviously. I’ll never forget the first time my outercourse lover first started licking my ear, both around it and inside! It. Felt. Incredible. Not everyone will enjoy being licked everywhere, and not everyone will enjoy licking everywhere. I’ve never been a foot and toes guy for example, but I respect those who are. You will find some people are more sensitive and ticklish than others and will not be able to handle kissing and licking of certain body parts. This is fine, avoid those areas or try again when a heightened state of arousal has been achieved. Areas that are ticklish during every day activities can feel highly pleasurable when stimulated while horny! Biting, as well, can be very hot indeed. As someone approaches orgasm biting 429687165-1around the shoulders, neck, breasts and back can bring the pleasure to a whole new level. Just be careful; we have a greater tolerance for pain while enthralled by sexual rapture and can underestimate the damage we are causing when biting. Everyone marks and bruises in a different way, some people display bite marks and bruises with very little force, other’s can take a whole lot and still not show any evidence! When biting someone who marks and bruises easily be sure to bite in an area that can be concealed while the marks heal. Try to avoid the neck if you don’t want them to be catching awkward stares. I mark and bruise easily, so if you see me wearing a scarf on a warm day…well…you know. Most biting is quite safe, and the marks they leave are usually nothing more than a sexy reminder of a great night (or morning, or just after lunch or…), however in the case of any kind of sexual activity that involved pain or physical damage do use caution and be sure that everyone involved is okay with what is going on. Remember; Safe, Sane and Consensual.

Most of the time this kind of sensual licking, kissing, nibbling and biting is relegated to fore play. When things start getting hot that’s when all this great stuff suddenly gets swapped out for penetrative sex, maybe with a little fondling, kissing and spanking thrown in here and there. It’s all very linear and predictable, and I too have been guilty of perpetuating this pattern. But there’s no law stating that we have to start penetration at all, or if we do why not stop penetration and go back to kissing and licking again for a while? We write our own rules…

That’s the end of this little teaser. I hope you enjoyed this taste of what’s to come (puns galore!). As well as the physical side of things I delve deep into the cultural aspects, sexual abuse and healing, sexual dysfunction, building healthy relationships, the spirituality of sexuality, gender, orientation, relationship configurations, sex positivism and more!

Look out for “SEX, Not as a Separate Subject: A Guide to Great Sex, With Great People” in late June!

All the best :)

Rohan.

Related Articles:

Rohan Healy is the author of “Greeks to Geeks: Practical Stoicism in the 21st Century”“The 7 Things That Made Me Genuinely & Irreversibly Happy: And How They Can Do The Same For You” and Sci Fi Action/Adventure novel Gyaros: The Mice Eat Iron!

Click the book titles to visit their Amazon pages, read the reviews, and sample or purchase the books.

The full SEX eBook is OUT NOW for $6.13 including VAT. Click Here to Preview or purchase “SEX, Not as a separate Subject” now!

 

48 thoughts on “SEX, Not As a Separate Subject: What is Outercourse?

  1. Hey yo! :)

    I agree, that cover is too darn cute for words. Love your tongue in cheek style of writing.. And I agree. Too much is said and read about the wham bam part of things, anywhere you look. We need more discussions, and I especially like the Safe, Sane and Consensual bit. With all the cases making international news from America to India, this is very relevant to our times. And dude, it takes a pair to be so critical and analytic about your own sex life, on a public platform… Pretty awesome of you. :) Me? I’m a prude. I don’t even know who left this comment. La lala lala laaa. :-P

    Have a great day!

    Cookie

    Ps. You sure that’s the first draft? Doesn’t seem like it needs any work to me. :)

    • Haha thanks, glad you like the cover and content :-) Yes I decided early on to be open about my own experiences, no one wants to read a boring, impersonal book about sex haha. Sex is inherently experiential and so its important to include that side of things I think.

      Its a little nerve wracking alright but I think this stuff is important so its definite worth it :-)

      Thanks for the lovely comment, whoever you are ;) Hope you’re keeping well!

      Rohan.

    • Haha, that’s a good tagline! “With the power to cause blushing!”

      Yeah, there’s really no way around it when talking about these kinds of subjects. I don’t think I’ll ever be a “sex blogger”, but it’s a subject I’ve studied a lot over the years and gained quite a knowledge base on. It’s important to me that I share it as there is still so much guilt, shame, stress and confusion associated with the subject for many people.

      I’ll be very happy if I can help even a few people gain a greater understanding and appreciation of their own sexuality and that of others :)

      Glad you like the cover hehe!

      Rohan.

      • One of my favorite lines from John Waters (whom I love -so obviously, I’m not hung up on sex) was when he was saying something to the effect of ‘I’m glad I grew up Catholic, so I will always think sex is dirty’

        I’m actually a HUGE fan of The Lifestyle – it’s one of my favorite documentaries – I’m fascinated with all those really unremarkable people participating in group sex (another fav line from THAT – ‘it’s like sport fucking with a pot luck’)…

        But yes, I got a little warm under the skin reading this -

      • It’s so true isn’t it? The taboo surrounding certain body parts and acts has fetishized them to the point of actually increasing people’s obsession and levels of arousal surrounding them!

        Turns out there is even a silver lining to sexual repression! Lol. Love John Waters too :)

        Isn’t it funny? Those in the BDSM scenes as well are always the most unassuming, downright regular folk. And are often among the nicest and most respectful people you’ll meet.

        I take the sex positive attitude that as long as it’s Safe, Sane and Consensual anything goes. Providing everyone involved is aware of what’s going on and is into it then go for it!

        I’ll take your blushing as a compliment. A friend of mine read the post and wondered how she’d get through the rest of the working day with a clear head haha!

        Rohan.

  2. Hi Rohan — Cover is great — the cat licking the ears — kitty bliss — such a wonderful depiction of just how blissed out humans can get with the same kind of treatment. For 20 years, I made sex and sexuality the central focus of my life. Taught Tantra and coached couples in workshop settings and more privately. It was a learning and empowerment phase for me which connected my sexuality with my spirituality to the point of knowing they are one and the same. I look forward to reading your book when it becomes available. There’s always more to learn and I agree with purpleperceptions — so far, so very well done. Blessings, Alia

    • Thank you for the amazing comment Alia! I do go into Tantric and Taoist sex theories and practices in the book. The central theme of the book is that our sexual energy, creative energy, life force and spiritual energy are basically one and the same. That sex is not just something we do every now and then when the lights are low. It is us, it’s in everything we do. Hence the title: “Not as a Separate Subject”

      And then, like in this section, I do go into specific ways to enjoy partner sex in the fullest way possible, through the use of the entire body. It’s wonderful to have someone with your experience giving encouragement, so thank you :)

      Take care, all the best :)

      Rohan.

  3. Your creative engine is a thing of beauty, Rohan.
    I can’t believe how fast you pump out books. Stephen King would be proud, buddy!
    As for this book, i think you’re on the right track.

  4. Oohh another Rohan book, can’t wait. This is gonna be good! Love the cover, it’s funny and very cute. And excellent article! I love your confidence and openness about this topic! I didn’t realise it but I’ve had lots of outercourse, in fact I go through phases when I kind of prefer it…it can be extremely erotic, and can bring out so much more inventiveness and intimacy than just the standard slam dunk formula. I love the sensuality and playfulness of it, it can really build up the energy until it becomes quite explosive…

    Ahem, it’s suddenly getting quite hot in here. I’d better go open a window haha.

    • Yeah, whew, this one is a big job. Lot’s of research and fact checking required here. God knows sex is a dangerous and touchy subject at the best of times so it’s important to have your facts straight.

      Absolutely agree. Penetrative sex can be great as well but when people get into a linear formula that goes foreplay>penetration>orgasm>over they can miss out on a whole lot! I’m so glad I had someone to show me a different way. I hate to generalize but I’ve heard that same sex lovers are particularly adept in this regard. And there was one girl who had only been with other females before me and I can attest to the fact that she was really special as well when it came to outercourse.

      “I love the sensuality and playfulness of it, it can really build up the energy until it becomes quite explosive…”

      Couldn’t have put it better myself.

      Haha, I think this post should have come with air conditioning lol :)

      Keep well!

      Rohan.

  5. AHA! Here come the partnerS (plural).
    Funny, I had a dream about you last night, (or you were in a dream would be more accurate) – it was a kind of night scene, happening event, you were like an MC / DJ for the evening, and it was some Zen / hipster thing, where people were presenting stuff, crazy videos that were half-zen, half-twisted-urban-angst. Interesting…
    Anyways, congrats on the new book venture!
    Best, Kat

    • Haha, yup, here they come :)

      Oh that’s very cool. I’ve never DJ’d before but I have played a lot of gigs, sounds like a very cool little dream scene! Thanks for having me haha, was the music any good?

      Thanks a lot Kat! Have a great weekend ;)

      Rohan.

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  7. oh my….well I’m looking forward to more!! hehe I,too, love the cover and love the idea….I’ve learned so much about my own sexuality in the last 5-8 years and outercourse can be better in my opinion than the full on penetration ( though it certainly has its place!) x

    • Glad you liked the post Kim! Absolutely, I’ve definitely had outercourse experiences that were miles ahead of certain intercourse ones in terms of sensation, sensuality and connection. Really special :)

      It’s been a tough project this one, it’s something I really want to get right! Wish me luck :)

      All the best, have a nice weekend!

      Rohan.

  8. Okay all I can say is …bring it on!! Lol You know I’m so going to love reading this book. Everyone will! :) Have a great weekend, Rohan…. :) Paula xxx

    • Oh I’ll bring it, this is just the tip of the ice berg :) Hehe, I hope so, it definitely feels like a book that could help a lot of people! God knows the stuff in here has helped me a lot!

      Have a great weekend too Paula. Guess what! I’m off to a BBQ this weekend, a rarity here in Ireland I’m afraid ;)

      Hugs!

      Rohan.

      • Hahaha! Aussie’s love the Barbies. Lol Enjoy the sunshine whilst it lasts. :) Don’t forget if you want anything from Oz…I’m your gal and I’ll send it to you. Can’t let down a fellow aussie now can I! LMAO
        Hugs Paula xxx

      • Haha, yeah for sure! When I move into my new place in a few months I might just take you up on that! Not sure how well a sunny boy would fare in the mail though lol ;) Some Tim Tams and Jaffas might be nice though!

        Big hugs Paula!

        Rohan.

  9. Great post, Rohan. I love how easy it is to read your writing regardless of the topic. You mix in personal experience, research, advice, and humor while teaching valuable lessons. I can’t wait to read the section on the spirituality of sexuality.

    In this teaser, I really like the point you make about us following a script that leads to penetration. I’m starting to realize that these scripts don’t always suit us or our happiness.

    {{{Hugs]}} Kozo

    p.s.
    My wife thanks you for this post, even though she has no idea that it exists.

    • Hey Kozo!

      Glad you liked it! And thank you for the very kind words, it means a lot :) Yes, the whole first third of the book is dedicated to the subject of sexual energy, spirituality and the role of sexuality as a major part of our overall sense of physical and psychological health and wellbeing. This outercourse part is taken from the middle third which is very practical, “hot” stuff.

      And the final third is all about meeting people and fostering healthy relationships.

      Yes indeed. I think too much emphasis is placed on penile penetration. Great as it is, we are missing out on so much by making it the “goal” of sex. I believe the development of outercourse “skills” makes us a better lover and opens us up to greater sexual experiences )

      Hugs!

      Rohan.

      p.s. Haha, don’t worry I won’t tell where you heard it. Just give her a happy surprise :)

      • LOL, Rohan.
        Hey, in the first part of the book do you deal with Jing/Chi conservation? Eastern medicine believes that men lose power when we ejaculate. Tantric and Sexual Kung Fu recommend conserving our chi by not ejaculating. Key to longevity according to some. Just curious.
        Kozo

      • Hey Kozo.

        Yes I do go into the Taoist and Tantric practices of semen retention and redirection, non-ejaculatory full body orgasm and such. The problem I always come across in this regard is that there is such a variety of conflicting advice and personal experience when it comes to this.

        The increased levels of prolactin and decreased levels of dopamine present in the system during and after ejaculation are what cause the post coital “hangover”. The feeling of tiredness and sudden disinterest in sex.

        Because of this many Tantric practices train the male to separate and differentiate orgasm from ejaculation (orgasm actually occurs before ejaculation, they are not the same thing). Once full body orgasm can be achieved without ejaculation it is possible to have sex for longer, and to retain and increase levels of sexual energy.

        However I’ve also read testimonials of men who spent as long as 100 days without ejaculating, and when they started ejaculating regularly again they actually reported heightened levels of energy overall and more interest in sex and life in general.

        Semen is a cocktail of vitamins, proteins and other nutrients and it does take a lot from the man to produce it. However a fit and healthy man with a good diet should be able to ejaculate regularly without feeling any long term effects besides the chemical release of neurotransmitters during ejaculation which should wear off completely within an hour.

        The fact is semen is constantly being produced in the prostate whether we release it or not. It is simply “refreshed” if you will.

        I do think there is definitely something to be said for gaining ejaculatory control and practicing Tantric techniques that allow us to experience more dramatic and spiritual sexual encounters with ourselves and with others. And part of this process can include non ejaculatory orgasm.

        As for the Taoist belief that we weaken ourselves and shorten our lives by ejaculating, or ejaculating too regularly, I’m honestly not sure. I say to people that they should research these things themselves and if it really speaks to them, they should try it out.

        I do like a lot of Taoist sexual theory and belief, however I can’t say for sure about the semen retention practices. My studies on the subject have so far been inconclusive, too many differing experiences.

        Hope that makes a little bit of sense!

        Hugs :)

        Rohan.

      • Sold. Put me down for one copy of this book. You are definitely a well-read, highly experienced expert. Can you hear my tone of jealousy. haha. {{{Hugs}}} Kozo

    • Hehe, pretty adorable right? :)

      Yeah, one of the major messages of the book is that we should be able to be more open and communicative about sex. Masturbation and sex with others are far too important to our overall physical and psychological health for it to be relegated to giggles and whispers.

      So in order to set an example I did indeed open up about myself in this book, even the embarrassing stuff haha :)

      I like a good giggle and whisper about sex too, but there are too many harmful myths and misconceptions out there, these things need to shared and talked about :)

      *Nudey lady bug hugs!*

      Rohan.

  10. You’re just a book-making machine! :)

    I think it’s great how open you are about discussing this. It’s like foreplay to the extreme! Good luck with the book!

    -Laura

    P.S. Thanks for making your tunes available. I’ve downloaded several albums already!

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  17. I loved this article! And how right you add-on sex does not necessarily have to be Part A inserted into Part B. What counts in my book is playfulness, tenderness, and mutual enjoyment.

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