Ta Da! I designed the cover myself and I don’t mind telling you that I reckon it’s pretty cute :) It will be a number of weeks before I finish writing this book, but I have already penned the majority of the first draft. Once that’s done I’ll be going over it a few times and having it proof read by others. I’ve always had a big interest in sex and sexuality, from a very young age. I’ve actively studied the science and spirituality of sex for many, many years and of course had a number of direct, personal experiences to draw from. This is the book I wish I had read when I was in my late teens, a book that educates, enlightens, excites, dispels myths and corrects misinformation. A book that makes you feel good about your body and your sexuality no matter who you are or how you express yourself sexually.
I will have more news and updates on the release of “SEX, Not as a Separate Subject” in the coming weeks, with a target release of late June. For now though enjoy a sample of one of the many chapters on the physical aspect of sex. Please note that this is an early draft and is subject to change and editing. Enjoy! Let me know what ya think ;)
The Outercourse Limits
I believe it was when reading a very good book called The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy that I first heard the term outercourse used and defined. However I actually experienced outercourse first hand many years before that. I was 18 years old at the time and had been sexually involved with a number of people already. I’d had some pretty incredible experiences in my teen years and I feel really quite blessed to have been lucky enough to enjoy those back then. I know many people (including many of my friends at the time) didn’t engage in sexual intercourse until later, though they did of course go on to enjoy their own satisfying and meaningful sexual experiences when the time was right for them. It’s not a race. The quality of the experience is what’s important, not when it happens. My first few encounters were fairly clumsy affairs, and although they were pretty spectacular at the time, it was obvious that we were still finding our way around. My first sexual endeavours were penetrative; emulating the most popular positions I’d witnessed in the pornos I’d managed to get my hands on (this was before the internet kids!). There was little foreplay in those early endeavors other than kissing and making out, soon after which it was popped in for a few fun minutes before collapsing and catching our breath. When I was 18 however, my whole perception of sex changed forever and for the better. A woman a number of years older than me took an interest in me and we quickly began an intimate relationship. She specialised in non-penetrative sex; she simply didn’t like penetration! I had no idea such a thing even existed! “How do I have sex without putting my penis in something?!” My question was soon answered, and boy was I pleasantly surprised!
It’s not that she’d never had penetrative sex, or couldn’t; she had, and we did. But it paled in comparison to our non-penetrative, or outercourse sex. Outercourse is any kind of sexual activity that does not involve vaginal or anal penetration with a penis, though definitions may vary depending on who you ask. So the obvious question is why? Why would anyone actively choose to have outercourse? I’ll give you a few examples:
* To Avoid Pregnancy: This is an obvious one. You cannot get pregnant if no semen enters a vagina (In vitro fertilization notwithstanding). If there are no condoms, or other birth control methods available, it’s quite possible to enjoy incredible sex by engaging in outercourse.
* To Avoid STDs: We greatly reduce the possibility of contracting a sexually transmitted disease when no seminal or vaginal fluid or blood comes into contact with one another’s genitals. If this is a concern for you outercourse may be a good choice.
* When Penetration is not Possible or Desired: When a woman is on her period, when the one being penetrated is feeling sore or has an infection, or if one of the partners simply isn’t comfortable with penetration, outercourse is a great option. Also if a man is experiencing erectile dysfunction it doesn’t mean he can’t still enjoy providing outercourse for his partner.
* When One or Both Partners Aren’t Ready: Sexual intercourse is a big step in any relationships, particularly when it is the first time for one or both partners. Outercourse is a great way to learn about sex and discover each other’s bodies without having to think about pregnancy, STDs or “going all the way”.
*As an Alternative to Intercourse: Even those who enjoy full vaginal and, or anal penetration can enjoy outercourse as a change to their usual routine. When the focus is removed from the act of penile penetration it opens up a whole other world of possibilities!
The next most obvious question is how do we have outercourse? Well the short answer is how don’t we have outercourse?! What I mean is the only thing removed is penile penetration; everything else is (quite literally) up for grabs. There are countless ways to get each other off and reach incredible heights of pleasure without requiring that a willy be popped in somewhere! I’m going to give you a few examples now of non penetrative sex and how it can be just as good, or better than “the old in out, in out.”
* Kissing, Licking and Biting: You think you know it all about kissing? Yeah I thought I did too until I met my outercourse Wonder Woman! Of course French kissing can be incredibly sexy and sensual all by itself, however when we introduce focused kissing around the neck, shoulders and chest it can be out of this world. Highly sensitive parts of the body including the thighs, the neck, the ears, the nipples, the anal sphincter and the feet can provide incredible pleasure when gently kissed or licked, as well as the genitals themselves obviously. I’ll never forget the first time my outercourse lover first started licking my ear, both around it and inside! It. Felt. Incredible. Not everyone will enjoy being licked everywhere, and not everyone will enjoy licking everywhere. I’ve never been a foot and toes guy for example, but I respect those who are. You will find some people are more sensitive and ticklish than others and will not be able to handle kissing and licking of certain body parts. This is fine, avoid those areas or try again when a heightened state of arousal has been achieved. Areas that are ticklish during every day activities can feel highly pleasurable when stimulated while horny! Biting, as well, can be very hot indeed. As someone approaches orgasm biting around the shoulders, neck, breasts and back can bring the pleasure to a whole new level. Just be careful; we have a greater tolerance for pain while enthralled by sexual rapture and can underestimate the damage we are causing when biting. Everyone marks and bruises in a different way, some people display bite marks and bruises with very little force, other’s can take a whole lot and still not show any evidence! When biting someone who marks and bruises easily be sure to bite in an area that can be concealed while the marks heal. Try to avoid the neck if you don’t want them to be catching awkward stares. I mark and bruise easily, so if you see me wearing a scarf on a warm day…well…you know. Most biting is quite safe, and the marks they leave are usually nothing more than a sexy reminder of a great night (or morning, or just after lunch or…), however in the case of any kind of sexual activity that involved pain or physical damage do use caution and be sure that everyone involved is okay with what is going on. Remember; Safe, Sane and Consensual.
Most of the time this kind of sensual licking, kissing, nibbling and biting is relegated to fore play. When things start getting hot that’s when all this great stuff suddenly gets swapped out for penetrative sex, maybe with a little fondling, kissing and spanking thrown in here and there. It’s all very linear and predictable, and I too have been guilty of perpetuating this pattern. But there’s no law stating that we have to start penetration at all, or if we do why not stop penetration and go back to kissing and licking again for a while? We write our own rules…
That’s the end of this little teaser. I hope you enjoyed this taste of what’s to come (puns galore!). As well as the physical side of things I delve deep into the cultural aspects, sexual abuse and healing, sexual dysfunction, building healthy relationships, the spirituality of sexuality, gender, orientation, relationship configurations, sex positivism and more!
Look out for “SEX, Not as a Separate Subject: A Guide to Great Sex, With Great People” in late June!
All the best :)
Rohan Healy is the author of “Greeks to Geeks: Practical Stoicism in the 21st Century”, “The 7 Things That Made Me Genuinely & Irreversibly Happy: And How They Can Do The Same For You” and Sci Fi Action/Adventure novel Gyaros: The Mice Eat Iron!
Click the book titles to visit their Amazon pages, read the reviews, and sample or purchase the books.
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